Vain and insane

Body image of mums. “I earned these stripes” and all of that “Real woman” stuff makes me feel like I’m not allowed to admit to being upset about what my body looks like post baby.
It’s an awkward topic to dance around because I think it’s been over simplified by memes and the online society. I’ll explain. It’s not just that I’m upset because I’m flabby, stretched and have rocks in socks where my perky b cups used to perch. It’s a hard time because when I became a mum it was such a huge change in my identity, losing myself and becoming an exhausted on demand servant to two tiny beings that having a Mum bod’ is like the outward, physical identity change. But not a welcome one. Yes, I’d rather have torn apart tummy muscles as evidence that I was so fortunate to carry a child than be without a baby, my baby is most definitely worth it, let’s get that part out of the way. But you know what, it’s not just breastfeeding that gives me bad posture these days, I want to hide away my belly. It’s not just my two year old tugging at the bottom of my shirt that makes me cover my hips. I want it to look physically like I didn’t have  two babies in under two years. I should be allowed to say it without an eye roll, without a lecture and without people excusing it. I feel like I am not myself anymore and my image reflects this. 
Being a Mum is mental. How is any one person supposed to do all the things a Mum is supposed to do everyday? Typically, My husband comes home from work and my hair has snot in it, my clothes are two days old, I haven’t showered in three days and my legs/armpits are hairy. This is the most accurate physical portrayal of the stale yet raging chaos that is my brain. The outside represents the inside, in my case.
To take ownership and control over my appearance may signify taking back some control over my life. I will then have been able to prioritise myself over the relentless demands of Motherhood. For now I guess I’ll just keep walking the kids in their dual stroller so that we all have some quiet sanity time in the mornings and afternoons. It’s healthy for us all.